The Week's Funnies
The Horth Whisperer
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Rancher asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment.' The midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.' He shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?' So the rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?' So he picks up the little chap again, and hold him up to the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?' The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf. Can I see her twot?' The rancher grabs him and rubs the midget's face in the horse's fanny, then drops him to the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound the paddock?'
Three-Legged Chickens
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, 'What's up with these chickens?' The farmer said, 'Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire.' The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, 'Don't know, haven't caught one yet.'
Polish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Warsaw, Poland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I am completely nude." And with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and she yelled, "Come on, baby, Mamuska needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral of the story: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb. But all men .. are men!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Rancher asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment.' The midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.' He shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?' So the rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?' So he picks up the little chap again, and hold him up to the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?' The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf. Can I see her twot?' The rancher grabs him and rubs the midget's face in the horse's fanny, then drops him to the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound the paddock?'
Three-Legged Chickens
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, 'What's up with these chickens?' The farmer said, 'Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire.' The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, 'Don't know, haven't caught one yet.'
Polish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Warsaw, Poland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I am completely nude." And with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and she yelled, "Come on, baby, Mamuska needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral of the story: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb. But all men .. are men!!
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